The Prof no longer came to counseling sessions with me (of course).
I guess it wasn’t pleasant to hear what she had to say. She had told him that relationships like the one he had with Cream Puff, are not healthy. These types of relationships form co-dependencies, are not based on reality, and eventually, reality will set in and it will not be what he thought it was. All this – fell on deaf ears. His only comment was – I think she has developed a serious dislike to me. Mmmm….
As a result of the lovely "birthday gift", I kept the children’s counseling appointments too. This was probably THE greatest blessing of the delay - the fact that I could get them to counselors BEFORE he moved out.
I told the kids that they were seeing the counselor to help them cope with dad’s moods.
I was also continuing with the counseling. It was making me strong and smart. She taught me not to think like a victim. I could turn around and feel abandoned, she said, or I could take a good look at the Yvonne I had become. Who would I have been without the Professor’s influence over my life. Which needs and expectations did I have, which had not been met.
This was mind boggling stuff. I found that I didn’t know the answer. I discovered that the Prof’s expectations had been “internalized” by me (not a good thing). I felt the same irritations which he felt if for e.g. the children tapped their feet… whereas my normal personality is one of patience.
When he drove his car down the drive way, I flew about trying to pick up everything that would bug him, and if I was on a phone call with a friend, and he happened to walk in – I felt I had to hang up – in case of displeasing him.
So – my whole life centred around pleasing him (except for the hair thing!) I had been trying so hard to meet all his expectations, that I had lost “me” in the process. Quite ironic, in light of the fact that The Prof said I had not met his expectations.
The strange glasses through which he viewed the world, I discovered, is called projection. So… could it be possible that the Prof was disappointed in himself – was not meeting his own expectations, and accusing me of being the cause?
A funny story comes to mind about this projection. The Prof would periodically accuse me of having an affair. I used to look at him with amusement and say: why don’t you hire a Private Investigator to check me out. By the end of week 1, the man will be charging you triple the fee, his tongue will be hanging on his shoes and his report will contain 1 line : Man – I can’t keep up with this woman – WHERE do you think she will have time to have an affair.
I guess it wasn’t pleasant to hear what she had to say. She had told him that relationships like the one he had with Cream Puff, are not healthy. These types of relationships form co-dependencies, are not based on reality, and eventually, reality will set in and it will not be what he thought it was. All this – fell on deaf ears. His only comment was – I think she has developed a serious dislike to me. Mmmm….
As a result of the lovely "birthday gift", I kept the children’s counseling appointments too. This was probably THE greatest blessing of the delay - the fact that I could get them to counselors BEFORE he moved out.
I told the kids that they were seeing the counselor to help them cope with dad’s moods.
I was also continuing with the counseling. It was making me strong and smart. She taught me not to think like a victim. I could turn around and feel abandoned, she said, or I could take a good look at the Yvonne I had become. Who would I have been without the Professor’s influence over my life. Which needs and expectations did I have, which had not been met.
This was mind boggling stuff. I found that I didn’t know the answer. I discovered that the Prof’s expectations had been “internalized” by me (not a good thing). I felt the same irritations which he felt if for e.g. the children tapped their feet… whereas my normal personality is one of patience.
When he drove his car down the drive way, I flew about trying to pick up everything that would bug him, and if I was on a phone call with a friend, and he happened to walk in – I felt I had to hang up – in case of displeasing him.
So – my whole life centred around pleasing him (except for the hair thing!) I had been trying so hard to meet all his expectations, that I had lost “me” in the process. Quite ironic, in light of the fact that The Prof said I had not met his expectations.
The strange glasses through which he viewed the world, I discovered, is called projection. So… could it be possible that the Prof was disappointed in himself – was not meeting his own expectations, and accusing me of being the cause?
A funny story comes to mind about this projection. The Prof would periodically accuse me of having an affair. I used to look at him with amusement and say: why don’t you hire a Private Investigator to check me out. By the end of week 1, the man will be charging you triple the fee, his tongue will be hanging on his shoes and his report will contain 1 line : Man – I can’t keep up with this woman – WHERE do you think she will have time to have an affair.
This is such an interesting "inner look" at what I guess could be called emotional abuse - you started losing yourself in this relationship. Strange that, even as family, we weren't more aware of this happening in your life. Glad to have my real, funny, cute sister back though! J
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