Could we take a slight detour in the story. One of the thoughts to come out of counseling is worth a "Stand still and take a closer look". Are you ready for a "heavy session"?
One of the discussions to come out of the counseling, was that of : do you believe you deserve happiness.
The Prof had been in pursuit of "happiness" for as long as I had known him. He sometimes said to me that he envied me because of my happiness. I think he had suffered from depression since his childhood.
If ever I can make a case for counseling, let me tell you this. The Prof witnessed his own father pack up his bags to leave. He was 6 or 7 at the time. Crying, he begged his dad to stay, but his dad just shook his head and said he could not stay. This little boy, should have received counseling. Although I am in no way able to give a diagnosis, my theory is that he suffered from depression as a child, and should have received professional help at that point. Thus happiness became an elusive shadow for him.
The counselor's thought provoking question led to the following reasoning by the Prof:
Everything about our marriage which had disappointed him - was chucked into this "happiness" basket. Everything which he had not agreed to, turned into the thought - I did this to make Yvonne happy, thereby sacrificing my own happiness for hers.
He honestly thought that the source of my happiness was thanks to the "sacrifices" he had made for me. (By the way - happiness is something you must be from the inside out, not the other way around)
This led to the further thought process of : Cream Puff makes me happy, if I choose my marriage - I will be repeating the same pattern I have been doing since I got married, I will be sacrificing my happiness for Yvonne - AGAIN.
December was the first time in his life that he felt truly happy – according to him.
Only now, do I have a different view of this way of thinking. Time, friends, and lots of counseling have taught me the following crucial truths:
(more later about where I learnt it) :
The King and Queen of every relationship is Trust and Negotiation. Trust grows through time, and Negotiation means that my opinion is just as important as yours. It means that we will be willing to negotiate our differences to a settlement. In order to negotiate to a settlement - it means there must be a balance of power in the relationship. If one party has stopped talking - for e.g. - then the non talking partner - has the balance of power (ironically). Only when that person starts talking - do they return the ability to negotiate to the other person. Makes a strong case against "THE SILENT TREATMENT". Silent treatment is not a good way to negotiate things to a settlement.
Now, the Prof had thought himself into a "powerless" position with this logic. He threw away the "negotiation" tool - in order to make me happy. (This sounds noble - but in the end - did not lead to happiness in the marriage). I am not even talking about the fact that his remembrance and interpretation of events was not the same as mine. These issues had not been negotiated and correctly handled. Now - in trying to find happiness, his attempt to resolve / correct these issues - were about to make him choose one of the most certain ways of failing in his pursuit of happiness.
Unfortunately, once a 3rd party has become involved, the willingness to resolve issues, disappears. It becomes easier to choose the greener grass on the other side, than it does to figure out the issues on this side. They become blinded by the excitement of an affair - they reason with their hearts - reasons that the head knows nothing of.
One of the discussions to come out of the counseling, was that of : do you believe you deserve happiness.
The Prof had been in pursuit of "happiness" for as long as I had known him. He sometimes said to me that he envied me because of my happiness. I think he had suffered from depression since his childhood.
If ever I can make a case for counseling, let me tell you this. The Prof witnessed his own father pack up his bags to leave. He was 6 or 7 at the time. Crying, he begged his dad to stay, but his dad just shook his head and said he could not stay. This little boy, should have received counseling. Although I am in no way able to give a diagnosis, my theory is that he suffered from depression as a child, and should have received professional help at that point. Thus happiness became an elusive shadow for him.
The counselor's thought provoking question led to the following reasoning by the Prof:
Everything about our marriage which had disappointed him - was chucked into this "happiness" basket. Everything which he had not agreed to, turned into the thought - I did this to make Yvonne happy, thereby sacrificing my own happiness for hers.
He honestly thought that the source of my happiness was thanks to the "sacrifices" he had made for me. (By the way - happiness is something you must be from the inside out, not the other way around)
This led to the further thought process of : Cream Puff makes me happy, if I choose my marriage - I will be repeating the same pattern I have been doing since I got married, I will be sacrificing my happiness for Yvonne - AGAIN.
December was the first time in his life that he felt truly happy – according to him.
Only now, do I have a different view of this way of thinking. Time, friends, and lots of counseling have taught me the following crucial truths:
(more later about where I learnt it) :
The King and Queen of every relationship is Trust and Negotiation. Trust grows through time, and Negotiation means that my opinion is just as important as yours. It means that we will be willing to negotiate our differences to a settlement. In order to negotiate to a settlement - it means there must be a balance of power in the relationship. If one party has stopped talking - for e.g. - then the non talking partner - has the balance of power (ironically). Only when that person starts talking - do they return the ability to negotiate to the other person. Makes a strong case against "THE SILENT TREATMENT". Silent treatment is not a good way to negotiate things to a settlement.
Now, the Prof had thought himself into a "powerless" position with this logic. He threw away the "negotiation" tool - in order to make me happy. (This sounds noble - but in the end - did not lead to happiness in the marriage). I am not even talking about the fact that his remembrance and interpretation of events was not the same as mine. These issues had not been negotiated and correctly handled. Now - in trying to find happiness, his attempt to resolve / correct these issues - were about to make him choose one of the most certain ways of failing in his pursuit of happiness.
Unfortunately, once a 3rd party has become involved, the willingness to resolve issues, disappears. It becomes easier to choose the greener grass on the other side, than it does to figure out the issues on this side. They become blinded by the excitement of an affair - they reason with their hearts - reasons that the head knows nothing of.
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