Through the Looking Glass into The Script

The publishers of The Script have kindly given me permission to give some quotes from the book. So, I just want to take a slight detour and show you around inside, and as a result into the world in which the Prof moved.

According to The Script's Intro :

"We have found that men talk and act as if there were a manual. And they all have a copy. And they took the same course where this was the text book. And one and the same teacher taught this course wherever it was given. And these cheating men attended every session. And they remembered everything they learned. And they remembered the order in which to do it.
And the Script was written nowhere until now" .

This books was very funny and helped me to put things in perspective. To give you some examples here are some of the scenes from The Script which the Professor followed:

Act 1
"Scene 5: "She Doesn't Understand Me"
"Scene 6: I Found My Soul Mate"
"Scene 10: Getting His Ducks in a Row"

Act 2
"Scene 1: Dropping the Bomb"
"Scene 2: I Like Living Alone"
"Scene 5: I'm Going to Take Care of You" - (ha ha - he even said he would paint and fix up the house after he had moved out)

"Scene 11: It's Your responsibility to Keep Things Civil and Nice"

I could go on. The professor followed the script - chapter for chapter.
I have only highlighted a few of the most important ones.

If you are going through this heartache, or know someone who is, get this book. It is just about impossible to stop The Script, although the book does give excellent suggestions. But, if nothing else, it puts things in the correct perspective. It makes you realise that you are not losing your mind. You realise that what these men are saying, is a well orchestrated plan to validate their affair.

Measured and found wanting

There followed a time of lots of ups and downs. At times I was cheerful and could carry on, and at others I collapsed in heaps of tears, thinking I would never be able to continue. Just when it felt like God wasn’t there, and didn’t care, there would be a phone call from Joan (my sister) and she would say : I made you a meal, I just felt God told me to.

Then I knew God was watching over us with enough concern to provide meals on the hardest days. I never asked for the meals, I never told her when the going was tough – and yet on the hardest of days – she would bring me a meal. Have I ever thanked you for such love dearest sister? Have I ever really told you how much it meant to me? Through that, you put God’s presence straight back into my life. THANK YOU.

The children were my reason for getting up in the mornings. I would put praise and worship music on in the car, very bravely whisper to God – I will praise Your name – no matter what, and then proceed to cry all the way to work while trying to sing praise and worship songs.

Work had it’s own strange difficulty. We are in an open plan office, and a radio plays in the background – very softly – but it is there. If ever you speak to someone who has gone through heartache – they will tell you how very difficult it is to listen to music. The lyrics of most songs are love songs, or sad songs, or songs that remind you of something. Later – I was so thankful for that radio. I became blunt to the songs – otherwise who knows how long it would have taken before I could listen to music again?

Walking in the shops was another nightmare of a different sort. I felt different. I felt like I no longer belonged to a unit. I had never consciously thought of myself as being part of a unit, but now, in its absence – I became acutely aware of that thought. I now belonged to a different class, a single woman, an abandoned woman, a person thrown away on the rubbish heap of life – having been labeled – not good enough. It felt like that was written on my face.

And everywhere I looked, I saw happy couples walking, holding hands. I would think – how did they manage it, and I could not. I did not notice the single people, or the people who were walking together but who were actually alone. I did not notice (as I do now), that not everyone who is together – makes a “happy couple”. I just noticed the togetherness of people, and missed it.

The first time I went grocery shopping – I was caught completely off guard by the deodorant isle. I stood looking at the men’s deodorants and thought: I used to buy that for him, and now I will never buy it for him again.

I learnt that the first time of each thing I had to do alone, was the hardest. Repeated listening to the radio, subsequent shopping trips – all got easier, as I found ways of thinking differently. About the deodorant I thought – well, Prof, you have to buy your own now – I am saving myself some money! About the couples in the shop, I began to ponder – how many are truly happy, how many are honest with each other – and doing such wondering, lead me to – one never really knows what goes on beneath the surface for all these folks.

PI Yvonne

Well, believe it or not, we are still between Christmas and New Year.

The Prof went to the university to set an exam for his students. Do I hear you say - YEAH RIGHT? Mmm - don't worry - me too. Universities (normally) close between Christmas and New Year.

But I was thankful for the "break".

I got onto the Internet - and discovered the wonderful world of - Private Investigation.

With a bit of common sense, it was really not hard to track her down, as well as her husband. Up to now, I only had her first name. However, I even got a photo of her, her email address, the location where she sat... I could go take a few pot shots at her!

Briefly- I considered telling "murderous hubby" about her activities, but decided not to stir in such a big unknown pot. Perhaps he would come after me too!

I continued my new found occupation as PI. I checked out The Professor's (cum Eeyore's) bank statements, cell phone statements and found out that he had a HORRENDOUS cell phone bill. What a surprise! The bank accounts were not very revealing.

At this stage, I was praying that God would show the Prof what a mistake he was making. That she was surely just as broken a person as he was himself, and how do you build happiness on 2 broken marriages? But, I was starting to wonder deep within myself, at what point does one give up? At what point do I start to drink the Prof's anti depressants - certainly felt like I needed a double dose of the stuff by this stage.

I decided, I would hold out until the marriage counseling session - scheduled for early in Jan.

The Timing

The Prof's timing was spot on - straight out of The Script. Why do they choose such impossible times to break such news? I think the reason is that it makes you completely helpless, you have no one to confide in, no one to turn to for advice and help.

I don't think I slept much that night. The next day - Christmas day - was one of the darkest days I have ever experienced. I told myself - breathe, just get through this minute, then the next and the one thereafter.

Jack (a dear friend of mine), had told me not long before - sometimes we need to take life, one day at a time, sometimes we take it 1 hour at a time... I remembered his words, and I took it 1 minute at a time.

The whole family got together for that Christmas that year, his family, my family, even extended family. I was physically sick. I never knew stress could make you sick so quickly. Everyone assumed that I had gastro. I left them to think what they wanted. I was intent on keeping my horrific packet of news away from my loved ones, least I ruin every Christmas to come, for years from now.

Toward the end of that dreadful day, I accepted a glass of whiskey from my sister's father-in-law. I took some perverse pleasure in this - the Prof had tried for years to get me to like the stuff. I wasn't interested in "liking" it now, just thought it might dull some of this awful pain. I then told my sister what the Prof had told me the night before. Her face told a thousand stories - all of disbelieve - must have been what my face looked like, not 24 hours earlier.

At the end of this day, I was back to "talking" again. I was still trying to figure out this relationship thing. He told me that his relationship with her, was like mine with my darling friends, Muff and Jack. They understood and accept me - blah blah blah (These folk are like additional "parents" in my life.) I just couldn't help myself blurting out - well, I promise not to leave you for Muff and Jack. (How dare he compare such an innocent and wholesome friendship with his affair!)

Throughout this talking period, I stayed exceptionally calm. The Prof once said he wished I would become angry and chase him away. I think that that, is what he was aiming for - then he didn't have to make the decision to leave - I would have made it easy for him to leave.
I refused to give him such a gap, and I refused to believe this was the end....

The Problem gets a name

It is the 24th of December 2006.

I have spent a week talking (since the night trip to Bronkhorst Spruit). At this point I have missed some crucial clues. The fact that the Prof's cell phone had completely disappeared from sight, passed me by. He was looking after that phone better than he looked after the kids when they were babies!

Marinda (eldest daughter) had sent me a beautiful bible verse on my cell phone a few days before: Deut 31:8
It promises that the Lord goes before you and will not leave you. I read it over and over, looking at each word of that verse. Marinda, by the way, had no clue of what was happening. The children were oblivious to it all.

Although I was too brain dead to realise what was actually happening, I do believe I TALKED the problem out of the Professor. What I mean by that is - I talked him to death, and he gave up and told me the partial truth!

On the night of the 24th , he could no longer bear it and suddenly blurted out - I have met someone else, I don't love you anymore, she understands me like you never did....

No...............

At this point, words failed me (hey - I can hear you laughing, I can hear you say - rare occurrence for you Yvonne).

The devastation of that moment... is hard to describe.

Every dream and belief I had held dear, slipped away like sand through my fingers. The disbelieve, heartache ... even the -" I don't understand what is happening - please let me wake up from this awful dream"... feeling, is all part of it, but really tells only a slice of what goes through your mind in those moments.

It feels like, what I imagine it is, to find out you have cancer, after having suffered from an illness with no name or face. The news is devastating, but the problem gets a name - AFFAIR.

A word about the timing. I so wanted to give you some quotes from the book - The Script - the 100% absolutely predictable things men do when they cheat. But the wheels of copyright approval turn slowly apparently. The best I can do, is to give you a link to their website. You can download a free chapter and get the idea.
According to the script (written to show that men who cheat all follow the same recipe - and in my case - SO TRUE), I was in good company regarding the wretched timing. Henry Ford II, grandson of the the founder of Ford Motor Company, chose the evening before their daughter's glitzy "coming out" party, (a huge social event), to tell his wife of 23 years, that he was leaving.