There followed a time of lots of ups and downs. At times I was cheerful and could carry on, and at others I collapsed in heaps of tears, thinking I would never be able to continue. Just when it felt like God wasn’t there, and didn’t care, there would be a phone call from Joan (my sister) and she would say : I made you a meal, I just felt God told me to.
Then I knew God was watching over us with enough concern to provide meals on the hardest days. I never asked for the meals, I never told her when the going was tough – and yet on the hardest of days – she would bring me a meal. Have I ever thanked you for such love dearest sister? Have I ever really told you how much it meant to me? Through that, you put God’s presence straight back into my life. THANK YOU.
The children were my reason for getting up in the mornings. I would put praise and worship music on in the car, very bravely whisper to God – I will praise Your name – no matter what, and then proceed to cry all the way to work while trying to sing praise and worship songs.
Work had it’s own strange difficulty. We are in an open plan office, and a radio plays in the background – very softly – but it is there. If ever you speak to someone who has gone through heartache – they will tell you how very difficult it is to listen to music. The lyrics of most songs are love songs, or sad songs, or songs that remind you of something. Later – I was so thankful for that radio. I became blunt to the songs – otherwise who knows how long it would have taken before I could listen to music again?
Walking in the shops was another nightmare of a different sort. I felt different. I felt like I no longer belonged to a unit. I had never consciously thought of myself as being part of a unit, but now, in its absence – I became acutely aware of that thought. I now belonged to a different class, a single woman, an abandoned woman, a person thrown away on the rubbish heap of life – having been labeled – not good enough. It felt like that was written on my face.
And everywhere I looked, I saw happy couples walking, holding hands. I would think – how did they manage it, and I could not. I did not notice the single people, or the people who were walking together but who were actually alone. I did not notice (as I do now), that not everyone who is together – makes a “happy couple”. I just noticed the togetherness of people, and missed it.
The first time I went grocery shopping – I was caught completely off guard by the deodorant isle. I stood looking at the men’s deodorants and thought: I used to buy that for him, and now I will never buy it for him again.
I learnt that the first time of each thing I had to do alone, was the hardest. Repeated listening to the radio, subsequent shopping trips – all got easier, as I found ways of thinking differently. About the deodorant I thought – well, Prof, you have to buy your own now – I am saving myself some money! About the couples in the shop, I began to ponder – how many are truly happy, how many are honest with each other – and doing such wondering, lead me to – one never really knows what goes on beneath the surface for all these folks.
Then I knew God was watching over us with enough concern to provide meals on the hardest days. I never asked for the meals, I never told her when the going was tough – and yet on the hardest of days – she would bring me a meal. Have I ever thanked you for such love dearest sister? Have I ever really told you how much it meant to me? Through that, you put God’s presence straight back into my life. THANK YOU.
The children were my reason for getting up in the mornings. I would put praise and worship music on in the car, very bravely whisper to God – I will praise Your name – no matter what, and then proceed to cry all the way to work while trying to sing praise and worship songs.
Work had it’s own strange difficulty. We are in an open plan office, and a radio plays in the background – very softly – but it is there. If ever you speak to someone who has gone through heartache – they will tell you how very difficult it is to listen to music. The lyrics of most songs are love songs, or sad songs, or songs that remind you of something. Later – I was so thankful for that radio. I became blunt to the songs – otherwise who knows how long it would have taken before I could listen to music again?
Walking in the shops was another nightmare of a different sort. I felt different. I felt like I no longer belonged to a unit. I had never consciously thought of myself as being part of a unit, but now, in its absence – I became acutely aware of that thought. I now belonged to a different class, a single woman, an abandoned woman, a person thrown away on the rubbish heap of life – having been labeled – not good enough. It felt like that was written on my face.
And everywhere I looked, I saw happy couples walking, holding hands. I would think – how did they manage it, and I could not. I did not notice the single people, or the people who were walking together but who were actually alone. I did not notice (as I do now), that not everyone who is together – makes a “happy couple”. I just noticed the togetherness of people, and missed it.
The first time I went grocery shopping – I was caught completely off guard by the deodorant isle. I stood looking at the men’s deodorants and thought: I used to buy that for him, and now I will never buy it for him again.
I learnt that the first time of each thing I had to do alone, was the hardest. Repeated listening to the radio, subsequent shopping trips – all got easier, as I found ways of thinking differently. About the deodorant I thought – well, Prof, you have to buy your own now – I am saving myself some money! About the couples in the shop, I began to ponder – how many are truly happy, how many are honest with each other – and doing such wondering, lead me to – one never really knows what goes on beneath the surface for all these folks.
