Bottomless Coffee

So… Divorce Care is not an easy place to do any catching up. You work hard there! Watching training videos and discussing the topics takes up all the available time. Since email is also a slow way in which to do any gossip, Werner and I made a coffee date.


Second Cup – makes good coffee, and has the added advantage of having a bottomless cup of coffee. Not my fault if they are “business sense challenged”! That day was not to be a profitable day for them!

As opposed to my previous date, where I had carefully picked up my friend in my car and dropped him back home on my terms, when Werner offered to pick me up, it somehow felt ok.

He arrived on time, opened and closed the car door for me and before you laugh at this chivalry – he does so till this day. I politely keep thanking him and we keep smiling in a secret, unspoken agreement which says – you open, I thank – we’ll carry on with this!

We lost count of the number of cups of coffee we had that day. We talked and talked and talked. Much of it went along the lines of… did you know that they….. or , hey – they actually went to Cape Town together…. Interspersed with exclamations on NO – did they really?

We must have been hilarious to watch from the outside looking in. We were not a dating couple, we were not old friends having coffee… who would have guessed that we were comparative strangers from opposite sides of affairs - busy hearing the other side of the story for the first time.

It took us many months to piece the story together. Not that we actively tried to do so, but many realizations only came much later. Puzzle pieces kept falling into place.

It was through Werner, that I realized that time the Prof drove off through the night – to Bronkhorstspruit – he actually went to Witbank, where Cream Puff spent weekends on her mother’s farm. Only recently did I hear, that her family on the farm, all thought the Prof was a divorced man. So that night did not seem so strange to them, I guess. One wonders what their excuses were for Cream Puff – whom they knew was married. In fact, I suspect that one of Werner’s greatest feelings of betrayal – aside from that of Cream Puff, was the silence of his in-laws on this matter. Those folks were more than his family, they were his friends. But – his mother-in-law was gravely ill at the time, and one can only wonder at the quandary her daughter’s affair put her into.

Eventually, regretfully, we had to leave. Werner dropped me at home, and wonder above wonders , consented to having yet another cup of coffee at home.

We were sitting on the stoep, drinking this cup of coffee when the Prof arrived to drop the children at home…. Oh dear!

Bits and pieces (Present)

This is a "tying up" of some loose ends type of post.


Do you remember when I wrote in one of the posts that Werner's X had pneumonia? Now that you know who Werner really is, do you realise the significance of that? I was praying very hard for Cream Puff, to get well again!!! This has all been brought back to mind, because we are hearing rumours that she is not well. We don't know exactly what is wrong with her, the little ones don't seem to know about it, and we are not "in the know", of course. But, as with most things, time has a way to tell.


On to other loose ends! (Hey I feel like a news reader!)





Last week was prize giving at Marielle and Arno's school. Marielle walked away with top honours - receiving 5 subject trophies and for getting the highest class average. I can't even remember what that average is - something like 92%. Remember - this is the one who says every evening during exam time: Mom I'm scared I don't know my work!

WOW Marielle, we are bursting at the seams with pride.



Now Arno, on the other hand, has us worried. He "always knows" the work when you ask him. I wish a bit of exam nerves would hit him, but he is blissfully ignorant of the term "nerves" - they don't figure anywhere in his little makeup! Well, he did do us proud as well. He got 80% for the Maths (yes - despite getting such a low mark for the exam due to not reading the questions properly), and he got 93% for his Afrikaans. Well done Arno!!!! We are so proud of you.



So, that puts the exam stress behind us and now we have a very loooong holiday. However, a tiny cloud on the horizon (but one with a silver lining - hopefully), is that one of the teachers spoke to us about Arno. Although most people say - he is a typical boy, we can't use this excuse for everything. He struggled through these exams mostly because he misread questions. Is this a concentration problem? Is it comprehension? This same teacher gave wonderful advice. We are starting a whole schedule of things with him today:

• Reading - lots of it,


• Crossword puzzles,


• Copying over of paragraphs within a certain time frame - needing accuracy and neatness


• A handwriting exercise program.

I found a wonderful article about handwriting, where they explain that handwriting is a function of muscle groups. You need strong arm and shoulder muscles in order to write properly. We now have an "exercise" routine for handwriting. Another interesting thing about this is: he needs to draw these shapes - over several lines: / O X \


These need to be drawn over 4 lines, and gradually through time, you start to make the shapes smaller.


The hand writing muscles got me thinking about another something : core muscle strength. Children with low core muscle strength, battle to sit up straight, and battle to concentrate, because their concentration goes into keeping them sitting upright. Typically they slouch, or lie down if they can. (Arno does this all the time. He looks like water - always flowing to the lowest point.)


So, as of today - Arno is sitting on an exercise ball. Doing homework, eating, watching TV - all on the exercise ball. This is very good for building core muscle strength. It also keeps you from slouching, because if you slouch - you roll off the ball. (That should wake him up!)


I will let you know if these ideas help.

Ah - another photo. This is what "farewell" to primary school looks like:


O dear, I am very heart sore - another phase has just finished. Can't we stop the clock somewhere - just for a little while?

"Windgat"

Just a very quick, and funny piece to tell.

Our household is hectic at the moment. Year end functions, prize givings. Last night was the prize giving at Arno and Marielle's school. I am fair bursting with pride today- but will wait for Werner to process the photos - then will tell that story tomorrow.

These events have their usual awkwardness, with the Prof being in attendance too.

The Prof phoned yesterday afternoon to find out the times of the prize giving. The girls were at ballet, so I was out with them, while Arno and Werner were home.

Arno answered the phoned and told his dad he "thought" the prize giving was at 7. The Prof then wanted to speak to "someone else, someone who knows" - he told Arno.

Arno was trying to explain that the only other person there was Werner, but before he could finish his sentence, the Prof got pretty insistent: Get me someone else on the line.
O well, Arno shrugged, if his dad does not want to listen, and since he did not specify a someone... Werner would have to do.

"Werner, phone for you", and so Arno gave the phone to poor ,unsuspecting Werner.

Silence from the other end, before the Prof mumbled - what time is it tonight. O, said Werner - at 7.

"You were very "windgat" the other day" - the Prof told him. That is an Afrikaans expression meaning - very "brave", but in a sarcastic way. Actually - the Prof was being "windgat". He is on the other end of the phone where Werner cannot throw cups of coffee at him!

As an aside: The Prof was referring to another incident where Werner walked out to the car and spoke to the Prof - face to face. This is a rare occasion, never pleasant - and in this case was necessary - for other stories which are still coming on the blog. Be that as it may, Werner kept his cool that day, and told the Prof what he needed to, before walking away again. There ended that "windgat" incident the Prof was talking about on the phone now.

Werner thought for a moment, then said - You know Prof, you messed up your own life - don't come taking it out on me...

The inevitable silence - the wheels sometimes turn slowly in that clever, high IQ brain. The Prof then resorted to his usual defence - I didn't phone to speak to you - CLICK - phone dead.

It takes a special kind of intelligence, to resort to putting down phones, don't you think. And that after the Prof was the one picking a fight.

My dear, wise friend, Lynette always says - he who looses his temper, looses the fight. I wonder if she has ever come across a special case like the Prof before. Me thinks not! There can only be one of him... I hope.

Marielle (Present)

Here are some photos we took of the girls on Sunday. Marielle had her farewell, and Marinda got dressed up for the fun.

Marielle keeps asking - am I on your blog yet? Then I shamefacedly shake my head and say "no".
Well, why not mom?
Ummm, because blog posts can't be forced - they just sort of happen.

Then she looks totally unconvinced and has decided her brother must be funnier than she is. In truth, she is an angle. She is the model child. Of the 3, when they are studying, she is the only one you don't see at all until the subject is done.

Every single night during exam time we have the same conversation, almost like a ritual:

Mom, I am scared I don't know the work for this exam.
But Marielle, you say that EVERY night.
I know - but this one I really don't know.
Well, then just do your best and pass.

Her pass is usually 90%.

On Sunday was her grade 7 Farewell party. I am feeling very sad in my heart for her. She is moving from a private English school, to a public Afrikaans school. Her friends are remaining behind to continue high school in the private school. (One of the stipulations of the divorce agreement is that the Prof pays only if they go to a public high school). This is not as bad as it sounds. The school she is going to is very excellent - and the change worked very well for Marinda.

Standing still to think about this change over, I remember mom crying when Joan and I went to high school. I remember a total incomprehension at this, from my 13 year old perspective:

What is your problem, mom.

Now I am there, and am tempted to cry too. Hey- what am I doing with 2 grown up kids already, who are in high school. Where did life go to?

Divorce Care

NMH was in a much better place than when I started writing originally.  We continued to email. He had done a lot of soul searching, had plenty of time to himself to start sorting out his head since I had originally written to him. I was beginning to understand his sometimes strange way of writing – like learning to decipher a child’s speech. Too much in a hurry to write, his words often left a letter behind in the previous word. Obviously he did not re-read his mail. He punched it out and clicked send!


I had enrolled myself in Divorce Care. This is a very excellent program run by many churches.  Anyone going through divorce should consider going to Divorce Care. That was a smart move!
I invited Werner to come along too.

At first he declined: I don’t need “counseling”, but then on second thought, he decided to come after all.

Divorce Care was the first time I met Werner face to face. He was easy to recognize. He was the only man there! He was waiting for me in the parking lot. How he recognized me, I have no idea, but he walked up to me and shook my hand. Some strange allegiance was born. We had this quick discussion: We don’t tell the folks inside how we are connected, right. Right!

So – in a room full of strangers I solemnly said: my husband ran off with another woman, and Werner said – my wife went off with another man. End of story.

The folks from divorce care assumed we were friends. It was obvious that we knew each other somehow, but they could not quite connect the dots: and we didn’t help them.

This started a very hilarious part of our story- in some respects. Divorce Care was not even 500 meters from the Prof’s new house. It was held on Monday evenings, and since the Prof wanted to see the children on more than just weekends, I arranged with him for Monday evenings. I didn’t tell him about Divorce Care, just asked him to drop the children at home again at 8, so that they could get to bed on time for school, when it became apparent that Divorce Care did not end early enough.

Werner on the other hand, did not see his children often, he didn't even have a place to let them sleep over for weekends (he was in the process of selling his house), so he arranged to visit his children on Monday evenings. As his visit finished up, I dropped my kids off, and from there we went to Divorce Care.

We had many a laugh about the fact that we had free baby sitting services, while we were busy with the “healing” process. It seemed fitting somehow.

The revenge of the unrelenting exam timetable (present)

I don't have much to say today. In fact there is only one thing I am battling VERY hard not to say: I told you so. I think I have bitten my tongue right through by now.

Why? Well, at 8 o'clock last night Marielle looked at the book Arno was carrying around. "Why are you studying LO", she asked, "you are writing SS tomorrow"!

WHAT????????? Huge consternation, some frantic phone calls to his friend Kevin (the one from the betting fame post earlier), only to find out that his sister was right.

I am standing like a big horrible hag, frowning at him.
"This, Arno, is what happens if you loose your time table."
If I could draw myself as a cartoon, I would paint some big, awful, thunderous clouds spitting lightning in every direction, above my head. The music will be JAWS music.

So, he sits down again and starts over with the learning, while I sit by fuming. I had told him, after the discovery of the "lost timetable", that he had better get another one, by hook or by crook. So, he diligently copied the teacher's one, which was stuck up on the wall. To give him his due, he did copy it down correctly.

Who knows where his head was, when he decided what he needed to learn. I no longer know or care if it is the time tables fault or not. In fact... why am I still worrying if I will get him through Matric? He may have been kicked out of the house long before then.... to be a street sweeper.

Garage Doors and Hi-jacking risks

I had long wanted electrical garage doors. The Prof had always said it could not be done because the garage roof was flat.

Well, Handy Heinz disagreed. He came and put in beautiful garage doors.


After changing the alarm code on the house, it became apparent that the Prof was misusing his privileges. He would fetch the kids in the mornings, to take them to school and then watch them put in the alarm code. I had to keep changing the code.
I got Heinz to put a new control onto the gate motor. It now got channel hopping remotes – and the Prof did not get one – of course.

His bad behavior got him banished into the street. Not happy with this situation, he tried to threaten me with: if you don’t let me drive into the drive way – I will stop taking the kids to school in the mornings. I am a hi-jacking risk in the street.

He even got my neighbour (my Pro-Professor neighbour), to come speak to me about it.
Yvonne, you must remember, he can be hi-jacked or killed waiting in the street – he is still the father of your children, she told me. I tried to explain the concept of – bad choices lead to bad consequences etc – but she didn’t get that.

To the Prof I wrote the following:
I am at equal risk, standing outside your house to pick up the children. I also don’t have access to your property. Furthermore, stop threatening me. IF you don’t take the children to school, I will make alternative arrangements. You will be cutting your nose to spite your face.

I never knew that my words had an almost prophetic prediction in them.