The Professor Upgrade (Present-ish)

Especially for you Denise! An extra long post to make up for yesterday!

Thank you to you all for all the loyal support and encouragement to write! I never dreamed this would be so much fun. It is such a compliment to hear that readers are waiting for the next post and are disappointed when I miss a day! Sorry!!!!

I have only been posting 4 post in the last few weeks, all for different reasons. I had a dear school friend visiting from Australia, and so, I took off the first Friday! (No posting).

Last week, Werner and I were photographing a wedding of friends. I took Friday off to go help her. Don't get me started on Garmin. I have long had the joke that Garmin is my Professor "upgrade", because she tells me where to go, and when I am tired of her, I switch her off. That is way better than a cranky husband don't you agree?

Well I needed to go to Pretorius Street in Lyttleton. Garmin did not know where that was (yeah - I had not updated her). Turns out that Garmins do need some attention after all. BUT... Garmin did know where Pretorius street was in Pretoria. Well, that is all the same direction isn't it? How many Pretoriuses Streets can there be in 1 city! So - killer logic of programmer has decided that that sounded pretty right to me. Off I went, full of confidence (on my 2nd Friday off).

Well, somewhere around the time where Garmin took me past the Prison, I began to chew my lip and wonder if perhaps Pretoria had more than 1 Pretorius Street. When I was turning up and down streets in the CBD I was sure I had it wrong. Out comes cell phone. Checking around for cops - last thing I need now is a fine for this, but hey - I am in a fix. Except for garmin, I wouldn't even know how to get home.

My friend is buying flowers at the market, for the wedding. She says I am not in Lyttleton at all, but more than that she can't really pay attention to right now. Mean time I am driving around and around the same block. Don't really know where to drive to now.

I phone Werner. He goes like so: Lyttleton, er Lyttleton.... yes, that sounds familiar, now why does that sound so familiar....O yes - I think that is in the direction my parents stay in.

WHAT ?????????????

He has been married to me for a year. Does he not know yet that I don't even know the direction my own house is in, never mind that of my in-laws!!!!!!!!!!

In fact - I have been a master disguiser of all things embarrassing - like the little detail that "left" and "right" are abstract concepts for me. If my watch and ring are not on - then I am "offline" regarding what is left and what is right. (Let's hope he skips this blog!)

I put down the phone, pick a direction and drive. That took me back past the prison. O good, that sounds like it is direction homeward. Now, who can help me here.... AH LYNETTE.
She is a darling friend from work, she stays in Pretoria, and she knows all sorts of stuff. (I can't even begin to define stuff - but Lynette knows it all!)

Lynette...HELP. I am somewhere in Pretoria, and I need to be somewhere ELSE in Pretoria. What a honey... she looked it all up on the Internet, she talked me through from the 1 somewhere to the other somewhere, and I got there in 1 piece. Shooo... big relief.

Now I have been doing some thinking about this Garmin business. You see, after the prof, I said - who needs a husband when you have a Garmin... but now... I am saying: who needs a Garmin when you have Lynette. I can't exactly switch her off, but Lynette needs no upgrading. Sounds good to me. She is now the new Garmin.

That accounts for my second Friday.
This weekend, other than taking the wedding photos, got me started on creating a website for Werner and his photography . If you want to take a peek at his photos they are there somewhere under the wedding link!

But, by now, I can hear you asking - so what kind of programmer ARE you, if you have never designed and made a web page? (An oldish one!!!!) I was taught programming way back when, and not taught about Internet and anything webby. I had to learn the rest myself. Just in my defence - I am an SQL programmer (ha ha - some technical stuff just so you can see I can do that too) and I work on things tax related-ish.

So, we are now into this week and the point I am trying to get to. 2 things have happened. Problogger says I must invite participation, and the 2nd is my aunt was visiting from Holland. She read one or 2 blog pieces and said I sounded "bitter. "

I took yesterday off to give this a good think. Last thing on earth I am is bitter, and I would be failing in my effort to help other people with my writing, if I do sound bitter.

Ha -so, I wanted to ask you for your comments. Do I sound bitter? Is there anything you would like to know more or less of? How can I improve?

I know commenting is difficult in terms of - you have to create an account with google in order to do so. But I would LOVE some feedback. Something else - is there anyone reading who doesn't know the ending to this story? OH I really do hope so!

That Old Geyser (No not the Prof!)

At last the geyser story. Remember I told you our geyser burst – and it had a funny story. Well here goes.

The house and general garden needed a lot of work and repair. I began slowly and cautiously. A friend - Handy Heinz, helped with these tasks.


Somewhere along the lines – whilst the Prof still had some goodwill left toward me, he had asked me if he could help me with the geyser. Apparently the pipes looked rusted, and he had bought pipes and valves the previous winter already, to do these repairs, and he was willing to help me.

At this stage I had developed a serious allergy against the Prof and his help. Something inside me just said –NO.

Before it became an issue, the geyser suddenly lost pressure, and heat. I had Heinz over, who found a burst pipe, and needed to repair a whole stack of the old hot water pipes.
While this process was continuing, Heinz told me, I notice that you have a 400KPA geyser. (This is the pressure of the geyser.)
O, I said – knowing diddly squat about this stuff. Not programmer related language this, you understand.

Well, he continued, you have a 100 KPA valve on the geyser, which means that the pressure which comes out is very low.

Ooooh – now he was starting to speak a language I understood. This was starting to make sense. For 14 years the Prof had been trying to sort out the pressure in the shower – with limited success. Could it be that THIS was the reason why?

Well, shall I replace it for you with the correct valve, Heinz asked.

Yes please. The new valve made an amazing difference to the water pressure in the shower. More good stuff coming out of this whole business.

The Prof became aware of the geyser problem via the children and came to talk to me about it. "O", he said, "I hear you have someone helping you?"
Yes.
"Who?"
I shrugged. Not his business, I thought to myself.

"Well", he continued, "shall I give you the stuff I had bought for the geyser anyway, then Mr Campbell can use it."
Mr Campbell was not helping me with the geyser – but I let the Prof assume whatever he pleased.
He walked into my garage and came out with a package containing a box.

To this day I don’t know how I got so lucky. I don’t know anything about valves, pressure etc. But, as I glanced at the package, I realized it was a geyser valve, and happened to catch sight of the 100KPA written on the side.

I felt an awful, mischievous glee bubble up inside me. I did not have to accept the Prof’s charity after all!

Sticking my nose in the air and giving a dramatic sniff I piped up with my new found knowledge:
"O – I see you have a 100 KPA valve. But my geyser is a 400 KPA geyser, so I don’t want your valve , thank you very much. THAT is why I have been battling with the pressure for as long as I have."

A moment of stunned silence, before the Prof grabbed the package in a huff, turned on his heel and left. Good Riddance.

Boy, was that fun.

The link to the present day, is that some 2 and a half years later, this very old geyser of approximately 18 years (we think), burst.
We managed to contain most of the damage because we were home when it happened.

The Prof, of course, had to make some sarcastic comments. He told the children : "well the geyser burst because your mother put a 400KPA valve on it. That’s what happens if you do stuff like that."

When the geyser guys came, they installed another 400 KPA geyser. Werner casually asked them, so what pressure valve do you use for that, 400 KPA?
They looked somewhat surprised – and then answered politely – yes OF COURSE.

Humph, well Prof, wrong again – you are the weakest link, please leave.

A Goodly Dose of Reality

The day I decided to go for HIV AIDS testing, I actually shocked myself. I had not really given this aspect much thought. But, I suddenly stood still and did some hard thinking. It was like having a bucket of ice poured over you. Your mind cannot even begin to comprehend the effects of a positive outcome.

Did I believe the Prof , when he said he had a chaste relationship with Cream Puff .... duh – NO.
Well then, you have better get yourself tested, Yvonne.

My GP, just looked at me. After a moment's thought he said – I am glad you came to this realization yourself. I wanted to tell you to have it done, but it is better that you realized this for yourself.

He sent me off to the labs. It would take a few days to get the results. If the results were negative, I was to bring myself back in 6 weeks time, to have them repeated again - window period.

I was still on the Prof’s medical aid scheme, so not long after the 1st set of tests, he phoned me up FUMING mad and spitting volcano fire. He had seen on his medical aid bill that I had been for the tests.
There is not a bl…y chance in hell. IF you have AID’s we will have to find out where YOU got it, he shouted, slamming down the phone.

I started laughing. That reaction really tickled my funny bone. I must admit, THAT was a lot of fun. As with so many things in my life - the light side to a shadow story.

The results were negative, as well as the subsequent set of tests.

But, to me...No proof of the Prof’s innocence.

Goodwill

"Goodwill" is another chapter straight out of The Script. It says that you are responsible for keeping the goodwill between the parties.

Well, the Prof was picking up the kids for school every day, and he still had the remote for the gate, as well as the keys to the house. I had asked him not to enter the house, since it was now my territory. (Did I really think he would respect those boundaries?)

I changed the alarm on the house, and lo and behold: guess what we found sneaking in to the house while I was at work?!!!!!!!!.

Yes, one certain sneaky Professor.

O look, now you’ve ruined the friendship Yvonne!

He phoned me and demanded to know why I had changed the code.
Very sweetly, I told him, I don’t have the keys to your new house do I?
Oh– he offered, would you like them?

I ignored this ridiculous remark. It took a while to sink in, then he phoned me back to tell me that I am busy destroying his "goodwill." Yeah right – by the way – WHAT goodwill?

He decided he would show me his house when I was in a better “mood”. Well, I never did get to see his new house – so I guess I am still in a "mood".

In the mean time I would have to start taking more measures regarding access to the house. I changed the locks, and called the alarm company to change the master code. It had transpired that the Prof knew the master code, and I did not know how to reprogram it. (But - I do now!)

The Prof then began watching the children putting in the code to the alarm. He would refuse to stand away while they set the alarm. I was only just beginning to learn that he was a control freak. I had never really "noticed" it before.

Another thing which was running around in the background, were the divorce papers. Trying to get a settlement document through proved to be stressful and traumatic.

I had excellent advice and support from my brother in law. He pointed out things I must look out for etc. He helped me word and reword that document so many times over. He helped me to see things in a different perspective. Once again, my family was my saving grace. Thank you Roy, I would not be where I am today, if not for your crucial, to the point advice and backup.

One of the things people told me to watch out for, was not to feel sorry for the Prof. I had to get the best possible deal from the divorce, because these things are difficult and expensive to change afterward. So, that all was messy and unpleasant.

Divorce does not tear 2 people neatly along a perforated line. It is like taking a sheet of paper and tearing it. It will not tear straight.

Secrets, Lies and Deception

The day after Marinda found out about Cream Puff, the Prof spoke to her about it. He told her his sad life story – how hard his parent’s divorce was on him etc.

A quick aside: By now you should know I am opinionated, so here is my view. For many years I pandered to this excuse in his life. I was “rescuing” him with the idea of – shame he grew up in difficult circumstances. BUT – there comes a point in one’s life where you are responsible for the choices you make. You choose your path and walk it, and then do so with responsibility. At 40 years of age, I reckon that time was long overdue for the Prof.

Now, he said, he had met someone who understood him like Muff and Jack understood me. How can you compare such a friendship with and affair - and then dare to use it as an excuse for such behaviour? (More excuses to avoid taking responsibility.) He also told her not to talk to me about it – to prevent our having a “misunderstanding” about it. (What's to misunderstand?)

What confusion for a 13 year old to try sort out. Even I was battling with it. You have a father who is not telling the truth, and telling you not to trust your mother either.

I thought about it for a while, and then told Marinda to speak to her counselor about the whole thing. I told her that she needn’t walk around with a head full of secrets, she needn't be part of the deception.

I also said that the reason he didn't want her to speak to me about it, was because he was afraid that I would take a moral stand against what he was doing. I told her – "but that IS what I am doing – I am taking a moral stand. What he is doing is so wrong. "

Oi – what awful lessons for children to learn. I however, was also learning that I could not protect my children from these lessons. The best that I could do was to give them good, solid advice. The best I could do... was give them the truth.

A much worse divorce

We are now still only in March 2007. The Prof had immediately bought a new house.

The kids pointed out the house to me. It was 5 minutes drive away from my house. Grrrr…

Around this time, Marinda started to become suspicious about the smses the Prof was sending. She also happened to see a valuation certificate for a tanzanite ring.

One afternoon she came to ask me," mom – what is tanzanite?"
I told her it was a stone with which the Prof had long since had a fascination.
"Does dad have a girlfriend", she asked.

I told her the truth. It hurt, it was a shock, but I am still glad I was honest.

The Prof found out via the kids' counselor, that Marinda knew about Cream Puff. He was mad as rats.

He said some VERY ironic stuff to me :
“Now I know I can’t trust you, you should keep the children’s highest good in mind”. Hey buddy - have you looked in the mirror lately????

Are we talking about TRUST? Do you know the meaning of that word? Duh.
Who has been keeping the children’s highest good in mind until now? Double Duh!

His problem, when it came down to it was this: that Marinda knew he had lied to her. He wanted to lay the blame of that broken trust at my door. I was having none of it. His excuse was given in an sms later that evening:

"Yvonne, I am sorry for the hurt, the confusion and the pain. I am unfortunately not sorry about my decision to leave. If I seem dishonest in my dealings, then it is simply because I am trying to keep the hurt to a minimum. I know how hard it is, because as a child I went through a much worse divorce. I am sorry."

A much worse divorce??????? IS there anything worse than your own divorce?

A small peak at my journal entry:

A few thoughts. How on earth can he know how I feel because of his parent’s divorce? He destroyed the most precious thing we had – trust. He shattered my dreams, broke my love – there are no words to describe this. A tornado has gone through my life, and now I am sifting through the broken rubble to see if there is still anything of value to pick up and take with me. What a sad picture. Also – how could his parents’ divorce be worse than his own divorce.
I often think I have lost a “living” husband.

History is a good indicator of the future

Picking up the thread of the story - we were last at the point where the Prof went house hunting. I had been to see the bank to stop him using the existing bond to do so. Well, the Prof bought the house, and not with our finances.

I remember asking the counselor – at what point do I sue for divorce?

Her words to me were: you have moral, legal and biblical grounds to sue for divorce. How would I feel about it? Would I let him come back if he should change his mind? If so, I had to tell him that. I had a brief debate with myself. I did not want to be the one to start the divorce proceedings, but in the bigger scheme of things – did it matter who did the actual filing? The marriage was over.

But… I would give it my last best shot.

I can’t remember why, but on that particular day he was waiting outside for me to finish up. I decided to tackle the problem there and then, in the waiting room of the counselor. No time like the present!

"I want you to decide what you are going to do", I told him. " I am going to seek legal advice, to protect myself and the children, and if need be, to sue for divorce. "

He looked extremely shocked. He had never thought I would take it further. A part of me wonders if he would have left everything as is? In that way – he could walk back whenever he wanted to?

I said further, " I think we can walk the path of healing, counseling, and we can fix this mess. Give it a try? If you don’t, at some point the regrets will come, be it 5 or 10 or maybe even 20 years. "

"However, if you decide this is it, then so be it. I will walk the path of divorce with equal success – and be assured – it WILL be a success (even though the world views divorce as failure)."

After listening to my speech, he asked if he could have 2 days to think about it. (cheek!)

O boy – I was back in “no man’s land”. But I was living there without any blinkers on. I thought about the past 2 months, and realized, every time that the Prof was confronted with a new step, he would hesitate, take a step back, and then eventually choose the Cream Puff.

With that in mind, I made an appointment with a lawyer. I was taking control back of my life, and I felt empowered and proud of myself for doing so. It changed me from being a victim, to being someone who was dealing with the cards life had just dealt me.

The Prof proceeded to take 5 days instead of the 2 he had asked for. Then he came over and started:
"I can see that you still want to try BUT… "

At that point I held up my hand and said ENOUGH.

" I have listened to enough of your BUT stories, and I refuse to listen any more. I have already been to see the lawyers, get off my property. "

I had been right. The Prof’s history had become an excellent predictor of which way he would jump.