The Gift

We need to backtrack a few days - back to December. There is a little story I would like to tell you about.

A funny thing happened in December. I only understood it's significance once I had read The Script. (I keep coming back to this book, but it is truly significant how the Prof had "memorised" it's scenes - he might as well have written it!!!! )

There is a chapter in this book entitled - The Expensive Gift.

Yup - he did this one too!

During December, we had once walked past a jewelery store. I am not a big jewelery person, and don't normally notice much of what is going on there. But on this occasion, as we walked past, a beautiful necklace caught my eye. I remember commenting on it, saying what an unusual design it had, and then we continued on. I didn't think about it again.

Toward the end of December, a brown paper package appeared in the dinning room. It was set on a table which stood in a corner. I used to do the ironing pretty close to that table. I don't know why I didn't notice the appearance of the package. Perhaps I was too preoccupied with our marital problems (at this stage I didn't know about Cream Puff yet, but it was after he had driven away the one night).

Be that as it may - I payed it no attention. This must have been wildly frustrating for the Prof - who notices EVERYTHING. He began dropping hints, and saying - did you see what is over there etc. I looked at it and duly asked - oh what is in there?

That is a surprise for you, he said. "Mmm nice".

I assumed it was a Christmas present, so I laid aside my curiosity - and got on with life. There was housework to do, ironing, kids to feed, and a marriage to save. Quite enough to keep my mind busy!

I really don't know what The Prof was expecting of me. Did he think I would take a peek, or that I would nag him about it? He eventually put it in my hands and told me to open it. Of course you can guess - the beautiful necklace I had remarked upon, was inside the package.

Of course I was thrilled, of course I was thankful, and told him so. Somehow, it felt like my words were just not enough.

He told me, that a friend of his (a lady friend whom he had met while studying his MBA), had said about me, that I don't deserve him, that he is too good for me and I don't appreciate what he does for me. My handling of the whole gift story was proof that she was right, he told me. (HUH? I guess to say it kinda spoilt the gift, would be a bit of an understatement!)

I truly did not understand this "attack". In light of The Script, however, it became clearer. A gift given under these circumstances (where the other person is having an affair), is meant to make you think - gosh look at this expensive, unexpected gift - it must mean he loves me. It is intended to say the following: See I am really a good guy, put you off the scent and prevent you from ever getting angry with me again.

In the Prof's case, he added an extra layer. He chose to take his friend's words to heart, became offended with me because I had not shown enough interest in THE GIFT, and was not thankful enough for the price it cost him. In short - he used it as a grand excuse to say - "see - I am right to leave her, she just doesn't appreciate me at all".

Well, from everything I have written, you must have gathered by now that The Prof (who truly was a Professor), had a whole string of degrees behind his name. I don't know who made this gorgeous quote - but today feels like just the right time to give it to you:

"You can have as many degrees as a thermometer, and still be a fool!"

As a footnote: I still have this necklace, and actually wear it with a lot of pleasure. I get a lot of compliments when I wear it, and then I think: Mmmm yes, it costs a dear price sometimes, to soothe a guilty conscience.

In Pursuit of Happiness

Could we take a slight detour in the story. One of the thoughts to come out of counseling is worth a "Stand still and take a closer look". Are you ready for a "heavy session"?


One of the discussions to come out of the counseling, was that of : do you believe you deserve happiness.


The Prof had been in pursuit of "happiness" for as long as I had known him. He sometimes said to me that he envied me because of my happiness. I think he had suffered from depression since his childhood.


If ever I can make a case for counseling, let me tell you this. The Prof witnessed his own father pack up his bags to leave. He was 6 or 7 at the time. Crying, he begged his dad to stay, but his dad just shook his head and said he could not stay. This little boy, should have received counseling. Although I am in no way able to give a diagnosis, my theory is that he suffered from depression as a child, and should have received professional help at that point. Thus happiness became an elusive shadow for him.


The counselor's thought provoking question led to the following reasoning by the Prof:


Everything about our marriage which had disappointed him - was chucked into this "happiness" basket. Everything which he had not agreed to, turned into the thought - I did this to make Yvonne happy, thereby sacrificing my own happiness for hers.

He honestly thought that the source of my happiness was thanks to the "sacrifices" he had made for me. (By the way - happiness is something you must be from the inside out, not the other way around)


This led to the further thought process of : Cream Puff makes me happy, if I choose my marriage - I will be repeating the same pattern I have been doing since I got married, I will be sacrificing my happiness for Yvonne - AGAIN.

December was the first time in his life that he felt truly happy – according to him.


Only now, do I have a different view of this way of thinking. Time, friends, and lots of counseling have taught me the following crucial truths:

(more later about where I learnt it) :

The King and Queen of every relationship is Trust and Negotiation. Trust grows through time, and Negotiation means that my opinion is just as important as yours. It means that we will be willing to negotiate our differences to a settlement. In order to negotiate to a settlement - it means there must be a balance of power in the relationship. If one party has stopped talking - for e.g. - then the non talking partner - has the balance of power (ironically). Only when that person starts talking - do they return the ability to negotiate to the other person. Makes a strong case against "THE SILENT TREATMENT". Silent treatment is not a good way to negotiate things to a settlement.


Now, the Prof had thought himself into a "powerless" position with this logic. He threw away the "negotiation" tool - in order to make me happy. (This sounds noble - but in the end - did not lead to happiness in the marriage). I am not even talking about the fact that his remembrance and interpretation of events was not the same as mine. These issues had not been negotiated and correctly handled. Now - in trying to find happiness, his attempt to resolve / correct these issues - were about to make him choose one of the most certain ways of failing in his pursuit of happiness.


Unfortunately, once a 3rd party has become involved, the willingness to resolve issues, disappears. It becomes easier to choose the greener grass on the other side, than it does to figure out the issues on this side. They become blinded by the excitement of an affair - they reason with their hearts - reasons that the head knows nothing of.

Expectations, The hair thing and all that jazz

Remember the new job? Well, that was due to start in January. I seriously considered leaving the job, so that I could concentrate on my marriage. Luckily my parents said - YOU WILL TAKE THAT JOB.

I only realised in retrospect how God had blessed me with the retrenchment and the subsequent new job. This job had paid leave, medical aid and security. God had laid out the path before me, long before I knew I needed it. At the time, the retrenchment looked like such a bad thing, and now it was a path forward, to something better.

At last the counseling session arrived. All my hopes were pinned on that. But counseling is not an easy remedy for fixing up something so broken already.

A lot of heartache, unresolved issues and "Stuff" came out in the counseling. The Prof told the counselor that we were "incompatible" - probably in light of his new found compatibility with the Cream Puff - I suppose!!! I didn't know what I was hearing. Why was I still surprised. (I hadn't discovered that book - The Script - yet).

Here is an example of the STUFF.

The Prof likes long hair. Mine - was at best, medium length, and in the last few years, decidedly short. When I had cut my hair short the first time, he had told me he could not love me with short hair (and proceeded to prove his point!). I was not against long hair, but my personality and looks don't go together with long hair. The times I had tried to grow my hair, I ended up tying it up - something the Prof hated even more than short hair. The nature of my work with the children, housework etc, makes me very impatient of hair falling in my face all the time.

Only later would I realise that this constituted an act of defiance which flew in the face of his controlling manner. In just about everything, the Prof controlled me - but in this - I broke out - and it was one of the things he resented most fiercely of all. (Like I said before - not the type of stuff which causes a divorce). O - and remember the photo I now possessed of Cream Puff - well guess what - her hair was SHORT.

Then there were other unresolved issues. Things which I had forgotten about years before, were brought up. He did not want children, he did not agree to an English school, he did not choose the church , I didn't dress sexy for him, I refused to wear makeup and perfume etc etc. The list was endless and exhausting. I had not made him happy, and marriage had not given him what he had expected. Hey buddy - for me either - but build a bridge and get over it. (Don't cross that bridge to another woman though!)

PI Yvonne

Well, believe it or not, we are still between Christmas and New Year.

The Prof went to the university to set an exam for his students. Do I hear you say - YEAH RIGHT? Mmm - don't worry - me too. Universities (normally) close between Christmas and New Year.

But I was thankful for the "break".

I got onto the Internet - and discovered the wonderful world of - Private Investigation.

With a bit of common sense, it was really not hard to track her down, as well as her husband. Up to now, I only had her first name. However, I even got a photo of her, her email address, the location where she sat... I could go take a few pot shots at her!

Briefly- I considered telling "murderous hubby" about her activities, but decided not to stir in such a big unknown pot. Perhaps he would come after me too!

I continued my new found occupation as PI. I checked out The Professor's (cum Eeyore's) bank statements, cell phone statements and found out that he had a HORRENDOUS cell phone bill. What a surprise! The bank accounts were not very revealing.

At this stage, I was praying that God would show the Prof what a mistake he was making. That she was surely just as broken a person as he was himself, and how do you build happiness on 2 broken marriages? But, I was starting to wonder deep within myself, at what point does one give up? At what point do I start to drink the Prof's anti depressants - certainly felt like I needed a double dose of the stuff by this stage.

I decided, I would hold out until the marriage counseling session - scheduled for early in Jan.

Tigger and Eeyore

Well, the naming business was such fun, ... thought I could do it all over again....

I thought of some more names, I even typed them into Word and asked the thesaurus to look up synonyms - but then the thesaurus went and spoilt my fun and rather lamely told me it doesn't know synonyms for the words I typed in.... hey - are you kidding me?

Ok ok, so I have had my fun. Let's get to the serious part.

I realise of course, that it takes 2 to tango, that The Prof deserves the names too (except I couldn't think of any!) Furthermore, I have subsequently - and sadly - learnt that a marriage breaks down, before an affair happens, not the other way round. That lesson was a pretty hard pill to swallow.

So - no more jokes about the names. (Sigh!)

Before I got so side tracked, we were in December - looking for marriage counselors.

The Prof reluctantly told me more about The Cream Puff. She was married, had 2 children, no friends (mmm wonder how many friends' husbands she tried to steal!), she worked at the university too, and her marriage was on the rocks. Her husband also worked at the university. (oei what a mess). Her husband had no clue about his marriage's perilous status. Apparently Cream Puff was not as forthright with her spouse as the Prof was with me. Aside from that - Cream Puff's husband was a violent man - and should he find out about his wife's indiscretions - he would murder her, and probably the kids too.

Somewhere in that week - between Christmas and New Year, The Prof and The Cream Puff decided to "break up". He was extremely down - really the only other emotion I saw, other than anger. He told me it felt like someone had died. (Funny - that was to be my experience too - not too long from now).

I am proud to announce that since I was no longer in "blissfully ignorant" land - I was suspicious about the wording of the "break up". He told me they had decided to no longer "see" each other. Well, that left writing smses and phoning, wide open, didn't it. It turned out that my hunches were now correct and functioning. The contact via cell phone had not been broken.

When confronted about this, the Prof completely lost his temper, told me that I had been married to him for 16 years, and had been "stuffing it up for 16 years too, all the while, I pretend the sun shines out of my butt".

Awful stuff to repeat and tell you, but when people are in this situation, they turn it around and make it look like it's your fault. All according to the Script. (See my earlier posts about this book, which explain that men who have affairs all follow the same pattern of deceit).

I know that I have faults, that I did things wrong in this marriage, but, the mistakes I made, don't normally give grounds for an affair. That was my way of putting things in the correct perspective. During this time, my family's support was invaluable. If not for them, I think I would have believed the stuff I was being told.

While throwing his hissy fit, The Prof threw down his cell phone and told me to check it then. I don't know how I remained so calm, but I did. I refused to rise to the bait. I also realised that the cell would no longer have any incriminating evidence, so it was useless to check what they had been up to anyway. I walked away, not looking at it.

A day or so went by. The Prof was so depressed that he consented to go to the Dr, who prescribed anti depressants for him. The Prof took the pills, got into bed and slept - promptly forgetting his cell phone on the table.

Of course I picked up the cell phone! I searched in the messages under her name, but there was nothing under her real name. Instead, there were initials and it didn't take a rocket scientist (never mind an outdated programmer ) to figure that out! So - I had found the messages. The ones which had not been deleted went along the lines of - so nice to hear your voice again..., I am not as clever with words as you are... - all this sickly sweet stuff. They signed off with - "yours Tigger". So - they had pet names for each other - she was Tigger and he was Eeyore. If you know Winnie the Pooh - you will know that Eeyore is always melancholy. Very appropriate for the Professor.

Oeps - I have stumbled on some more names for them!

What's in a name!

So, I have been gleefully waiting for this one - you've seen it coming haven't you??

I can't keep calling the other party to the affair a "HER", can I?

I've thought about this for a looooong time. O so many names come to mind - the "good" names rank along the lines of : The Other Woman - so we could try TOW (ha ha - he had another woman in TOW)
or

Floozie (oeps that is getting a bit naughty),

then VERY naughty would be Bi.... - gosh , that one almost slipped out!!
I am biting my tongue very hard now - or rather - my FINGERS. I promised myself my blog would be "nice" ......

OK so now I need a NICE name for Floozie. I thought about "Plus 1" . Here is my reasoning:

1 (me) + 1 (Prof) +1 (Floozie) = 3 and everyone knows that 3 is a crowd. And the Prof is big on Maths - so if he ever stumbles across this blog - he might appreciate that piece of humour. However, not QUITE it - but getting closer.

Ah HA - I've GOT IT. We will call her "The Cream Puff ". Why? - I hear you asking.

Well, follow the logic. My husband (new one - or rather - my last one!), says she is living inside a big fluffy puffy Cream Cake. She thinks this is heaven, but she cannot see past all the layers of cream. So - we have a name - honey - we are naming you: The Cream Puff!

How does that sound - The Prof and The Cream Puff. Has a bit of a ring to it don't you think!!!!

That's still on the nice side - isn't it?

Where's the cell phone darlin?

In the days following Christmas day, the Prof seemed to regain some semblance of sanity. (But not too much!)

He agreed to make a commitment to "try again", and that the "balance sheet of life" would be against him (his words) - in trying to make a new start with someone else. (Good thinking). He also agreed to go to marriage counseling.

From my side - I asked him to be transparent in terms of his friendship with HER.

By the way, do you know that it is impossible to find a marriage counselor between Christmas and New Year. Perhaps that was all part of the timing issue.

O well, now my "brain dead" had vanished - I was a whole lot smarter. Funny what a 'wake up' call can do to shake you out of complacency. I noticed that the Prof's cell phone was missing. I inadvertently stumbled on what I should have noticed LONG ago. That phone was never from his side. When I asked him about it, his clever answer was that his lady friend was not aware of the new situation (i.e. the fact that I was aware of the relationship), and so I might misconstrue the smses which she sent to him.

But darlin - how is that possible? After all - this is just an innocent friendship!